I think that promiscuity is perfectly acceptable. I think that sex between two or more consenting adults is absolutely fine. I believe that criticising someone for their sexual behaviour is not ok (unless they are violating the human rights of another person).
However, I would be concerned about anyone who is harming themselves via sex.
Sometimes, people who have been raped or sexually abused may have sex as a way of dealing with being raped or abused but in such a way that it is harmful rather than helpful to them.
Thoughts may include:
Controlled denial
- I won’t be beaten by my rapist / abuser, I will carry on having sex and prove to myself and him/her that I’m fine.
- I’ll take control and have sex when and with whomever I want.
- No one can tell me who to have sex with.
These thought processes sound ok, and if you’re genuinely having sex because you feel like it then that’s great. However, if you’re having sex to prove something, rather than because you really want to have sex, then you are actually reacting to the abuse / rape. It is affecting you and dictating your actions. You are not acting freely. You are not unaffected.
Displaced retaliation
- I’ll humiliate other people by using and abusing them like my attacker used and abused me.
- I’ll disrespect other people like I was disrespected.
You may think that by using sex to get one over on other people you’ll feel better but no amount of suffering you inflict on others will take your own pain away.
No amount of having sex with someone consensually will ever make the other person feel as bad as you felt when you were being raped or abused.
Hurting someone else will almost certainly make you feel worse, not better.
Hopeless thoughts
- I’m not allowed to say ‘no’.
- If I say ‘no’ I might be raped / abused anyway so I’ll just go along with it.
You are allowed to say ‘no’. Always. At any time.
If you say ‘no’ it is possible you will get raped or abused anyway. However, most people would not want to have sex with an unwilling partner and will stop if you say ‘no’.
“Going along with” sex will hurt your self esteem.
Self hating thoughts
- I have no right to say ‘no’.
- I’m worthless so why shouldn’t anyone have sex with me?
- I hate myself. I deserve to be used and abused.
- I hate my body. I want it to be hurt and abused.
- I deserved to be raped because there is something wrong with me / I am bad, so I should be treated like I’m nothing.
You are not bad.
You did nothing to deserve being attacked. People get raped and abused because they were in the wrong place at the wrong time – that is all.
If you are alone with someone who can overpower you, the only reason you are not being attacked is because that person is choosing not to attack you. The only reason you were attacked is because that person felt like attacking you. No victim is ever the cause of an attack. It’s literally just caused by being unlucky enough to be around a rapist or an abuser at the exact moment that they feel like raping or sexually abusing someone.
Your body is precious and valuable and deserves to be looked after, regardless of whether or not you have been attacked.
NO-ONE deserves to be raped or abused.
Rapists and sexual abusers are criminals.
Rapists and abusers are responsible for their actions – no-one else.
Dismissive thinking
- Sex is no big deal (and therefore what happened to me is no a big deal).
- Sex is just exercise (and therefore what happened to me isn’t a big deal).
For some people, sex isn’t a big deal. However, although sex isn’t always a big deal, rape and sexual abuse always are.
It is not possible to convince yourself that what happened to you is not important. Rape and sexual abuse affects people whether they want it to or not. The impact will be different for different people, but no one remains unaffected. If you think it’s truly no big deal to you then find someone you trust and talk about what happened and see how you feel. You might be shocked to find you do care after all. And you should care, …because you matter.
If you have experienced thoughts like those described above, or anything similar, then please seek help.
Remember:
You are worthwhile.
The only person that is responsible for the rape or sexual abuse is the rapist or abuser – never you.
Your body is important and valuable.
You are important and valuable.
It’s fine to have as much sex as you want – from lots to none at all.
Sex isn’t the answer to being raped or sexually abused, your distress needs attending to.